For the first time in months I slept for over 8 hours and it feels so damn good.
Relaxed, I cruise social media for a bit, jumping from one platform to the other, seeing what the rest of the world is up to. And when I get bored of watching cute cats, devoted dogs and reading tips advising what makes a great cover letter, I play a couple of games of solitaire.
Solitaire is addictive. One game is never enough.
And so, I make deals with myself. If I win the next game, then I’ll stop playing. But I get so into the game, that when I win the next game, I want to win the next. And the next. And the deal I made with myself 5 minutes ago, is long forgotten.
What I like about the game, is that solitaire has rules.
Rules that cannot be broken. My phone doesn’t allow the rules to be broken. Once you know the rules, your actions become automatic. When actions become automatic, your brain doesn’t need to think so much about what creates the action. So there is space for your mind to wander. It’s in this space that Intuition or Self can be heard.
Solitaire is sometimes my meditation.
When my mind doesn’t switch off, I sleep for about 4 hours. When there is a lot of thought traffic, such as new possibilities, different options, daydreams and worries around if I am doing the right thing, if I am putting 100% effort into each thing that I do and if the decisions I make are the right ones.
Right now, I can feel my thoughts gathering energy as I sit at my desk, mustard seed-stitch blanket draped around my shoulders, half concealing the camo jumper and the tie dye tights combo that are my pyjamas.
Realising what is happening, I grab my phone for a quick game of solitaire. Just the one.
Lost that game. Best play a second so I leave on a high…
And my mind starts to quieten. That feeling of peace and rest flows high.
My mustard blanket now hangs heavy over my shoulders, not just for warmth (and concealment of my lounge wear), but as a cloak of calmness.
What inspired me to write this is, I’ve found myself in a job that I really love. And this is where my thoughts ramp up. This love for my job, totally caught me off-guard. Going into this new role, I was dubious about past experiences, which have since dissipated, and instead, I now am suspicious of this love.
It’s thrown me. In a really great and unexpected way.
A part of me doubts that this is the right path. Because I thought I could only get this from my side gig. But yet this role feels good.
It feels right.
I cannot believe that I have landed here. I asked for this opportunity. And so the Universe presented this opportunity. And I also can’t believe I got it.
I get to work with people that ‘get me’. People that allow me the space to just be who I am. People, with whom I have conversations, that we mainly agree about almost everything, and where their personalities compliment mine and mine theirs, and yet we bring different perspectives.
I enjoy how we are so in tune with each other, as we move through our individual parts of the process, that together make one.
It works. But it’s not work.
I thought I could only find this in my side hustle. Where I made the rules.
Universe. You’ve changed my perspective. Not an easy task for a private, stubborn Scorpio who intuitively understands what works for her.
Not always understanding the why it works, but well, maybe, just maybe, it has just become automatic. After knowing the rules from working in a particular role in this industry for a number of years.
The conversations that our team has, have inspire me. I feel safe to say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘Can I think about this?’ I am gradually being drawn out of my private-person persona into an opinionated, open (well, semi open) individual who feels supported and valued.
And then my thoughts turn to my side gig. My passion. The thing that makes my eyes light up. The thing I spend my spare time daydreaming about.
The sense of fulfilment and satisfaction when I post a new blog. The rush of adrenalin as I am sample cutting and even love for the frustration when the looper thread of my overlocker breaks and I have to re-thread entire the machine.
And I wonder why and how they are so similar in that they both don’t feel like work.
Earlier this week I had a conversation that showed me just how much emotion I felt and how physically stuck I was by all of this. How indecisive I had become, which effected my ability to move forward. To see what is now, so clearly staring me in the face.
I was overwhelmed by the amount of emotion I felt. And I had hidden this from myself.
Buried it. What made it so much worse, was that I had no idea that I had hidden these thoughts and emotions.
During said conversation, it was suggested that perhaps I was limiting myself to just one thing and thinking only in black and white. That I do have options, and perhaps I am already living these options simultaneously.
In reality, there is also the ‘and’.
That grey area.
So, now that a few days have passed and along with that, a few games of Solitaire, I have really thought deeply about if I can actually work in the ‘and’. Can I continue to work in this role where I have fabulous connections and conversations? AND continue to light up my eyes and daydream as I write and sew with my side gig?
What if I did this AND this?
Could I perhaps continue to work 9-5 AND make space for my side gig?
Could I work my side gig AND make space for this 9-5?
What is staring me in the face, is that right now, what makes me happy, is the ability to do all of these things. To work in the ‘and’. To ‘work’ in this 9-5 where I have all these great conversations and feeling of connection. To work on my side gig; to write and to sew, to think and to contribute.
It can be an AND. It’s not either the 9-5 or my side gig.
It is kate&frances AND my 9-5.
Sometimes you do need to take the time to play a couple of games of Solitaire, to be able to listen to your Intuition or Self.
Or sometimes you need to have a conversation where your Intuition or Self is echoed by an outside voice, in order for you to see what is blatantly staring you in the face.